Friday, January 04, 2008

nocturnal rambles

this missive is being written in what is commonly known as the wee small hours. they are so called because lurchers, and indeed people, often feel the need for a wee in the middle of the night.

herself has never been much of a sleeper. this is no doubt partly to do with himself's snoring. he is so loud he can make the windows shake. i always dread a particularly bad snorathon as himself is unceremoniously evicted from the bed and comes in to sleep on the sofa. the sofa is about 2 feet from my bed, so i have to spend the rest of the night with my paws stuck in my ears, a position not conducive to slumber.

at the moment there is an air of anxiety around the place which has spread to all 3 of my peeps. none of them is sleeping properly, not even my boy, who can usually sleep through the house being hoovered, so long as herself doesn't actually hoover his bed. at about midnight herself got up to spend a penny (this is a saying, dear readers. it is a polite way of saying 'go for a wee').

she came across my boy in the kitchen. my boy has been practicing what he calls 'stelf' which involves creeping about and appearing out of nowhere, scaring the living daylights out of everyone. herself duly jumped out of her skin (another saying, dear readers, don't panic. and please try not to visualise this.) the noise woke my new lady friend. she has the bladder of a mouse so needed to go out to spend a penny now that she was awake. she has long toenails which clatter on the floor. this woke me up so i thought i might as well join her. midnight found 2 lurchers, herself and my boy looking up at the sky.

things settled down a bit and peace was restored. but not for long. at about 2am a snore resonated round the house. herself sighed and got up for another wee, having been woken by the snore. my lady friend of course had to do the same, with a lot of clickety clackety toenail noise. this time i was too weary to escort her.

everyone went back to bed and things went quiet. but not for long. himself's dodgy kidneys mean that he has a lot of horrible chemicals floating around his body. one of the side effects of this is his skin itches. in public he has to be restrained from itching his back by rubbing it against things like a horse. (i should probably say 'in the manner of a horse' to make it clear that he does not actually rub his back against passing horses, but i have great faith in the intelligence of my public).

once himself was awake he started to itch. this jiggled the bed around, as well as driving himself mad and keeping him awake. so he got up and came into the living-room to watch telly. he likes watching a thing called sky sports news, which consists of really ugly men and really pretty ladies (who herself says obviously got the job because of their vast knowledge of football). along the bottom of the screen is a running stream of words with football scores. down the side is another set of numbers with other football scores. and then you have the ugly men/pretty ladies talking to you about football. himself not only takes all this in but can repeat it word for word to anyone who can't run away fast enough. who said men can't multi-task?

so i am forced to sleep with my paws over my eyes to keep the light out, rather than stuck in my ears to drown the snoring out. is it any wonder i get a bit grumpy sometimes?


jen said...

oh sister...i wish some rest for you.

Meg said...

You poor thing....although thanks for reminding me why I am glad I am still single...

Patience-please said...

I love your writing!

Patience who is awake because of a worry and is now laughing, thanks

deb said...

I would be grumpy as well. We have a spare bedroom now, with my son gone, and I regularly sleep in there when the snoring is bad. The alternative is to hold a pillow over my husband's face until the noise stops, something frowned upon by the authorities.