Thursday, January 10, 2008

a guest post from joker's boy

hello readers. this is joker's boy here. i've been invited to do a guest post as the poor old thing is poorly. this is about when we got phoebe.

it started off with we went out to auntie bernies fiat punto because it was the holidays and my mum had taken my dad's car to go and collect phoebe from devon. so the only form of transport we had was this old fiat punto or as my dad called it a chocolate teapot. this is a saying. if you put hot water in a chocolate teapot to make tea it would melt so you wouldn't have any tea.

so my dad said that we had to take this to go to his work and he was going to drop me off at rokit's house who lives near my dad's work. so we went out and got in the fiat. it took a while opending the door because it was all frosted up but it broke free. so we got in and closed the doors and the engine wouldn't start so my dad rang my mum and i went back into the house to wait until the breakdown man came.

the breakdown man came wearing a yellow jacket that said AA on the back and he had a big truck, well a sort of van. and then he got the car started up. so then we went out to the car and said thanks to the bloke and all and then we got in the car and drove off. it was all right and i said to my dad "don't you think its a bit dangerous having ice and only a little hole to see through" and he said "it's fine, you just have to guess what's there".

so then we got up to the big roundabout and we stopped in the traffic jam and the engine cut out. my dad was swearing and cursing and he tried to start the car several times and i re-assured him that we weren't going anywhere so he said "get out, lets push it onto the verge". so we pushed the car onto the verge and my dad called my mum again but not the AA. but my mum's phone cut out because she went down a hill, although we didn't know this until later. my dad thought she had hung up because he was being obnoxious and didn't want to talk to him while he was in a state.

so then my dad swore and cursed again so i said we should stay in the car and call the AA but he insisted that we would leave it there. he doesn't like telephones.

now would be a good time to mention that the car was full of fake guns that belonged to me. they were in two large black boxes. my dad said "no, we can't take them with us. we will leave them here." he was panicking. he said "we'll get the bus home". there was a bus stop just nearby which was handy.

so then we walked to the stop and my dad looked at the timetable and there was a bus in 7 minutes. so then the bus came and we got on. the driver was a bloke in his 30s. he said "one adult and one child" and he gave us tickets and then we paid and we went and sat in the seat 2 rows behind him.

we looked quite odd sitting on the bus. there was my dad looking like a terrorist who had a beard and sunglasses and me with a load of fake grenades and a baseball hat and sunglasses and a combat jacket. the only passengers on the bus were me, my dad and a strange woman who was quite discreet about her appearance - she looked like a russion doll. so we went towards home and then we stopped at another bus stop and there were 3 old ladies at the bus stop. the first one was an old version of my mum's friend, mrs prof. then the second one was slightly dimmer but still quite active and the third one was a vague old lady who was very old and had a trolley and a bus pass.

the first old woman said "oh, for gods sake mildred get on" and then said to the rest of the bus "i have to walk her all the way here you know, she's such an idiot". the second old lady got on the bus and then the vague old lady called mildred got on the bus. they went behind us and sat down. the vague old lady obviously didn't want to be near the naggy one sat near us. the naggy one said shouted "oh for gods sake mildred sit down!" the driver looked round to make sure everything was ok.

as we went round the corner another bus passed. and the second old lady said "ooh, there goes the horsham bus!" she sounded really excited. my dad said to me "these women probably know all the bus routes round here".

they went on and on about the buses for the rest of the journey saying they were too bumpy and they should have taken the back roads. then we arrived at our bus stop and got off and so did the old ladies. the naggy one said "mildred, get off the bus! he can't go until you stand up!" so then the vague old lady got off the bus and me and my dad went over to the car park and stood by the recycling. i don't know why we did this. maybe the smell of the wine bottles comforted him.

then my mum phoned up so then he answered the phone and explained where we were. so then after that i was cold and my dad said "no, we'll stay here". i said "why don't we go home?" and then he had this idea that someone from his work might come and get us. he doesn't think clearly when he gets in a state. so then i was saying how cold i was and he said "no, not yet" and we would wait until someone came and got us. at this stage i reminded him that no-one from his work knew where we were. so then he said we should stand in the sun to keep warm but i was still freezing. our of the corner of my ear i could hear the old ladies yattering still.

so then we headed off home at last through a field where there was a white horse and i was freezing. and when we got in i had a hot bath and a nice cup of tea.

it was worth all the trouble because we got a lovely new dog and my mum has been saying ever since, what did i tell you? listen to your old ma. which she says when her mad plans turn out ok. so that's my post. hopefully joker will be better soon. he is wearing a yellow t-shirt to cover the pipe coming out of his shoulder and the t-shirt is all covered in blood but apparently this is good as it cleans out the wound which had gone really gunky. ik!


Patience-please said...

This is the BEST, the absolute BEST piece of writing I've come across since I found blogs.

thank you from Patience

Joker The Lurcher said...

why thank you, mrs patience! i will show your comment to my boy - he will be so pleased!

Lesley Rigby said...

I also think it is brilliant writing. It is so simply put but it paints the most wonderful picture. Every detail perfect! Alan Bennett look out........
If you are wondering who I am - Graham's Mum - (Graham, Prince and Tilly too!)- do not have my own blog.

sama said...

absolutely WONDERFUL! i have enjoyed this SO much!

i've just been reading it and laughing, and google has been viewing me with DEEP suspicion!