Sunday, November 26, 2006

my new ball

here is a picture of me with my new ball. i haven't had any toys for a long time. i have to say this is something to do with the fact that i get a bit excited when i have toys. the peeps take exception to me doing the loopy lurcher thing round the house. admittedly it does cause a bit of carnage but no more than they do. so i am being really restrained with my ball and only playing with it in my bed.

the ball came about as a result of friday night. the peeps went round to see mrs captain. the captain was off flying planes which was probably a good thing given how strong he makes the gin and tonics. herself had decided to give gin and tonic a miss so stuck to wine, although this had no appreciable effect on her coherence.

it seems a great time was again had by all. mrs captain got out her accordian which sounds a rather good bit of kit and there was also a certain amount of hilarity trying to record the helium laugh. unfortunately the helium laugh was recorded over by mrs captain doing a captain impression which herself is going to try to post on my blog if she can. so my readers will have to wait with bated breath for the helium laugh.

the wild girl loves my boy's burping pineapple so he takes it round there when the peeps visit. in the midst of all the fun the wild girl sat a bit too hard on the burping pineapple. his burp went a little sotte voce. this means quiet, for those who don't follow opera. my boy was a bit down about this. so the following day herself went off in search of another pineapple. not to replace the pineapple but so a voice transplant could be carried out. the plan was to sedate the pineapple and then cut him down one of his seams and swop his voice squeaker with the new one.

however there were no pineapples in the shop. herself found a bouncing ball which also burped. she apparently considered ringing my boy up to play the burp down the phone to him to see if it was the right pitch but the whole shop was full of people buying singing santas and anyway she wasn't sure of the phone would convey the full vocal qualities of the ball so she took a chance and bought it anyway.

my boy played a few burps on the ball but pronounced it a little too treble to sound like the pineapple. it was agreed that they would search for a burping pineapple to be the voice donor on the internet.

but lo! the pineapple found his voice. so no surgery needed. and i got a ball! how cool is that?

ps i think mrs captain had been on the helium...

powered by ODEO

Thursday, November 23, 2006

powered by ODEO

my boy has been persuaded to have a go at blogging. this is his first attempt so he hasn't quite got my flair yet but it will come - he's a clever little pup!

for those who can't quite follow his drift, which i must admit is quite drifting, as is his way, he is telling the story of when a friend of the peeps rang in the middle of the night on new year's eve to tell them that her son ben had been offered a kidney. i should explain that ben was waiting for a kidney - this wasn't a late christmas present.

herself and her friend john were the only people still awake. a certain amount of wine had been taken. neither of them is religious so they decided to burn some herbs and make a humanist wish. i suppose if i were to do this it would be a doggist wish. the kidney is still working several years later so it must have worked.

building bridges

the bridge, originally uploaded by Joker the Lurcher.

this week has been more crazy than most in our household. herself has been a bit frantic with stuff going on at work and can't sleep. himself is worrying about a fancy dress day at the school where he works and my boy has been obsessed with a weather station.

the weather station was given to my boy by uncle pete. uncle pete is the mad boffin in the family. the peeps are convinced that he has beefburger syndrome but as no-one seems to have known much about it when uncle pete was a pup he was just thought of as a bit eccentric. he is an astrophysicist and works as a computer programmer. another beefburger success!

anyway, there i go wandering off the point again. uncle pete had bought himself the weather station. it is a proper grown up one with loads of wires and bleeping things. uncle pete had decided to mess about with some wires and had mucked them up. rather than get it fixed he had bought himself another one. this is how my boy ended up with the one with messed up wires.

a tiny problem like messed up wires will not defeat my peeps. oh no. herself and my boy have experience of this sort of thing. they built a rather cute little robot from a kit which involved soldering tiny wires onto a circuit board. so the plan is to solder up the wires that have come off and the weather station will be good as new.

as regular readers will know, my boy does not do waiting. he gets this from herself who has to do everything yesterday. so in spite of the fact that the weather is not conducive to putting up the various sensors round the garden on account of high winds and driving rain and that it is dark when he gets home he wants the weather station put up. herself has promised to do it this afternoon as she is working at home so will be here when my boy gets in. i think this could be one of those interesting afternoons...

but i expect my readers are wondering what this picture is. it clearly is not a weather station (although i would not put it past my peeps to make a papier mache weather station). this is a bridge. some of my more perceptive readers will have deducted this from the title of the photograph. the bridge is part of himself's costume for the fancy dress at his school. he is going as a troll. this was herself's idea. i think it arose from himself's habit of being rather taciturn in the mornings. hereslf regularly tells him he is like a grumpy old troll.

the plan is to attach the bridge to a small hat which himself will wear. in case some of my readers are not aware of the story of the 3 billy goats, the troll lives under a bridge. so now all herself has to do is find 3 plastic goats to hang from the bridge.

i have to say, they don't make things easy for themselves...

Saturday, November 18, 2006

life begins at 40!

i had the most splendid breakfast today! some leftovers of steak! this more than made up for an evening in the less than scintillating company of metal dog. the steak was from mrs captain's birthday meal. yesterday mrs captain turned 40 and to celebrate had the peeps round, along with some other friends.

somehow, herself was delegated to purchase the steaks. don't ask me why this was a good idea. herself hasn't eaten anything furry for nearly 30 years. so why she would know one end of a steak from another is beyond me. she solved the problem by going to the local butcher who is a man of great pride in meat. rather unwisely she said "i need 5 rib-eye steaks please. i don't eat meat so you will have to show me how thick they should be." mrs captain had told her that small fat ones were better than big thin ones which is herself's philosophy about people as well.

herself came home with a huge carrier bag which smelt simply divine. in spite of a couple of clever sliding tackles by yours truly she shot it into the fridge before you could say "rib-eye". himself came home later with a halibut steak for herself which i also unfortunately failed to divert my way. as well as the meat purchasing, herself had rashly promised the captain she would make a birthday cake.

in order to explain what happened next i will need to rewind to thursday night. i hope my poor readers can keep up.

on thursday herself came home in tears. this has been a much less frequent occurrence since she started taking the happy meds. something was clearly amiss. to make matters worse, the peeps had the hair-slayer round. this is a nice lady who comes every 6 weeks or so and gives their hair a trim. my boy used to make the most unholy fuss about this but lately he is quite into his quiff so it is a more peaceful experience. luckily the hair slayer is good with people in tears and soon herself had calmed down enough to tell them what was wrong.

it seemed it was all to do with human resources. apparently human resources is a department where herself works. the people there pretend that they are nice people. however their real purpose seems to be to bully people who are unlucky enough to get ill. herself has come into contact with them, not because she is ill but because one of her colleagues is ill. it would appear that she had ended up having a row with one of these human resources people, hence the tears.

anyway, after the haircuts herself and my boy went round to see the captain and mrs captain. the captain saw herself was a bit down so made her and mrs captain a gin and tonic. herself is very partial to wine but has little experience of gin. suffice to say that the captain, who rarely touches alcohol, was a bit generous with the gin. herself had to be brought home amid much mirth. she even made the captain say "chocks away" as he drove down the road.

so yesterday she was a bit tired. so much so that after putting the cake in the oven she decided to have a little kip so as to be fresh for the evening's festivities. the kitchen already looked like a chocolate hurricane had whizzed round it. she had broken the whizzer on the cake mix and had to use a soup whizzer which didn't seem to me to be quite the thing. because of herself being asleep the cake got a bit charred. so she then had to cut off all the burnt bits before icing it.

as by now they were running late they had to leave the carnage and rush off. they of course managed to forget the 40 candles that herself had bought. maybe just as well, given her propensity for disaster. wouldn't have been much of a birthday for mrs captain if the house had gone up in flames.

the evening seems to have been a huge success. the steaks were so huge that there were even a few little bits for yours truly. the kitchen on the other hand took nearly an hour for herself to straighten out. ho hum...

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

talking italian

well readers, you may wonder why the long silence. had i been chastised for complaining about my peeps? had metal dog got his own back by wrapping me in his springs? no. it is all to do with a request from one of my fans, the well know dogfacedboy. this person is something of a fraudster. she is neither a dog nor a boy but instead is a very nice and very helpful lady who lives somewhere in america.

anyway, dogfacedboy was interested in my last missive. she wanted to know more about himself's "speaking italian into a glass" trick. more than that, she suggested how himself's vocal talents might be made available to a wider public. it would appear that you can sign up for a website called odeo which is a bit like flickr only for noises.

so herself has been trying to sort this out. first she had to get himself to record one of his phrases. himself is rather shy about this sort of thing and had to be subjected to serious persuasion before he would agree. what herself does is to tickle his neck. himself has quite a short neck, the front of which is covered in beard, but it is very ticklish. when he is tickled he makes a funny noise.

in the end himself saw that resistance was useless and obliged with a short burst about venetian liver. not sure if this is like a venetian blind in terms of little strips but anyway.

then she had the interminable job of getting the little recording to fly off into hyperspace. this should have been simple but herself is a great one for complicating things. it took her 3 days of messing about and e-mailing the dogfaced one before she managed it.

so dear readers, without further ado, i give you - prego:

powered by ODEO

Sunday, November 12, 2006

helium heaven

cat and mouse, originally uploaded by Joker the Lurcher.

a rather worrying trend is developing. my peeps are getting a social life. don't get me wrong. i think it is good for them to get out of the house now and again. it keeps them off the computer and helps them develop their social skills. its just that they keep forgetting to take me.

they come back, roaring with laughter, going on about what a great time they have had, while yours truly has been stuck at home with no-one but metal dog to talk to. metal dog is a rather dull character who has a springy neck and just nods at me whatever i say. once i said he should be turned into a frying pan and he just nodded sagely as though i had paid him a compliment.

anyway, the peeps have been off galavanting without me. they went to visit their friends round the corner. the captain was off flying a plane, as captains do, but the other friends were there and it would appear a wild old time was had by all. it seems mrs captain made some really ace grub and as usual a certain amount of wine was taken. mostly by the "grown-ups" i hasten to add. heaven knows what my boy would be like given too much wine.

it would appear that mrs captain has a special helium laugh she can do without even breathing in helium, which has to be better for her. my boy's friend is learning how to do it as well. himself was even persuaded to do his special "speaking italian into a glass" trick, which always has them in stitches. as he can't speak italian he has to resort to reciting the names of italian dishes into a glass but the effect is very good. his italian accent is entirely plausible so no-one would notice that he is talking about food. mind you that is pretty much all he talks about in english...

it seems the friends round the corner had already invented their own version of this trick. they do flight announcements into a glass. i suppose they were taught how to do this by the captain. it is most comforting to know that my peeps are not the only ones who talk to glasses round here.

the evening was rounded off by a fine impression of a mouse by the young lady of the house. here you can see her terrifying a rather aloof looking cat. in fact maybe the cat is why i don't get to go round there...

Thursday, November 09, 2006

the gadget queen

blackberries, originally uploaded by Joker the Lurcher.

there has been another lull in the photography this week. somewhere herself saw an ad for a thing called a blackberry pearl. this seems to be a type of phone. herself had a perfectly good phone which came free last time she took out a mobile phone contract. the contract was about to run out so herself saw this as the ideal opportunity to tell the nice people who let her use their network that if she didn't get a new phone she would throw her toys out of the pram.

they appear to have told her to take a hike at first but herself is nothing if not determined and eventually, worn down by the forensic legal mind, they capitulated and said she could have a new toy.

herself already has a blackberry phone for work. this is rather a clunky peice of kit and i have to say i was surprised that she wanted one at home, given the old phone was quite a cutey. but the new blackberry is something else. it has a little lighting up thingy which you can roll (well at least if you don't have paws you can roll it - i didn't find it that easy). it seems with a blackberry you can get your e-mails wherever you are and even find out what you are supposed to be doing.

so if herself is in court and the judge wants to list a case, she can check to see if she is having a haircut that day or getting the car fixed. this has to be a good thing. she was driving around with no brake lights at all for a week recently because she couldn't get to the garage when it was open. the boot in her car is small enough without it getting stuffed in by someone driving too close to see her non-existant brake lights. i'd have to go on a diet.

anyway, the new blackberry is rather clever. but it works in an entirely different way to the old phone. this has necessitated hours of poring over the manual, surfing the net and even collaring the extreme programmer when he visited to get it working. every day she has regaled himself with tales of its feats. "i can make it dial a number now" "very nice dear". "i've downloaded a chicken ringtone" (the latter sounds like a chicken being strangled which i suppose it would do if it was sqaushed into such a small device). "i can get my e-mails at last" "that's nice dear. you can do that on your computer you know".

it would appear that herself has been distracting all her poor colleagues as well. nothing new in that but there seems to have been a surge in crime which co-incides with the new phone. i hope the home secretary doesn't get to hear of it.

the one thing it doesn't do is make a good crumble...

Saturday, November 04, 2006

the dialysis nurse visits

well, readers, you may wonder what this is. i certainly did. a lady arrived with a little wheely suitcase to see the peeps. she seemed like a nice lady. didn't bat an eyelid when i gave her the usual lurcher greeting. she was wearing trousers, which i find helps. a cold nose against the thigh seems to be a bit much for some of the more sensitive ladies. she told the peeps she has a dog at home so she is probably used to this sort of thing.

out of the suitcase she pulled a lot of very interesting stuff. there were pipes and bags full of liquid and little packets with taps in. it seems this stuff is all part of the blood hoovering thing that himself will have to do. there was a certain amount of talk about dogs and germs. she was at pains to point out that it was not so much me personally that would cause a problem but my hair. i have to say this gave me a bit of a start. was i to be shaved? i look very silly in my birthday suit. not only is my fur black and white and grey, but my skin underneath is also black and white and grey. so without the fur i am very splotchy and resemble a bit of abstract art. i think other dogs might well point and possibly even laugh.

however it seems i do not have to go bald. himself simply has to do his blood hoovering thing in a room where i am not allowed to go. suits me fine. i don't want to have to watch all this anyway. it looks very scary.

my boy is made of sterner stuff than me. he was fascinated by all the kit and asked some very penetrating questions of the lady. then he dragged her off to his room to show her his computer game where he races round in a car and shoots people. the lady seems to be very good at this sort of game. it sounds as though she has a boy a bit like mine at home. i think we will all get along just fine.

Friday, November 03, 2006

alls well that ends well

autumn sunlight, originally uploaded by Joker the Lurcher.

today turned out better than i expected. i started the day in disgrace. this was as a result of a little digestive trouble in the night. not my fault herself decided to give me a treat and pour mushroom juices and whole garlic cloves over my tea.

the mushroom thing arose as a result of one of herself's website ideas. "now why doesn't that surprise me?" i hear my long-suffering readers sigh. how it came about was that herself is helping someone design a website. part of the theme of the website was pictures of herbs. herself for some reason did not among her 5,000 odd photos have a single picture of a herb.

not being someone who is easily deterred, she spent a happy half hour out in the garden among the rather sorry plants that are trying to settle down in peace for the winter. she snipped a few sprigs of herbs and then spent quite some time taking what turned out to be not very good pictures of them. so she was left with quite a few herbs with nowhere to go.

they soon found a role in life. she found some huge mushrooms in the fridge, glooped an embarrassing amount of olive oil over them, threw in a few garlic cloves and bunged the pan in the oven. a little while later a rather nice aroma wafted out and herself sat down in front of daytime tv (which she secretly likes) and munched her way through the fungal feast.

this is how i came to have the leftover oil and garlic on my tea. and very nice it was too. but that much garlic plays hell with an old chap's digestion and i'm afraid the garlic cloves gave an encore on the bedroom rug at about 4am. so there she is in the middle of the night scrubbing the seagrass flooring, which it has to be said is not the easiest stuff to get, well stuff like that, out of.

herself is not one to hold a grudge so i was still allowed to go for a walk with her and mrs prof, who is down for the weekend. we walked all the way along the downs in glorious sunshine and back along the river and ended up in a very nice pub for lunch. well, the ladies had lunch. i lay on a rather chilly stone floor waiting for himself to come and pick us all up, or "scoop up the drunks" as he calls it. they weren't drunk as far as i could see but maybe its a figure of speech. come to think of it if he tried to scoop either of them up he'd end up in hospital with a hernia, so it must be a figure of speech.

did meet a rather sweet little pup called pebble who tried to climb on my back. herself tried valiantly to take a picture but the little chap moved so fast they all came out blurry.

so tired now i can hardly type. good job herself gives me a hand...