Sunday, May 04, 2008

keeping abreast of things

dear readers, her maamship is down for the weekend. a visit from her maamship often involves an adventure. this visit was no exception. herself has decided it is time she got a bra. a bra is a sort of bosom-bag. this sudden development is because herself has a new job where people dress smartly. while it is not obvious that her ladies prefer to go au natural when wearing a t-shirt which has 'i'm blogging this' written across the relevant area, it is all too obvious in a proper office-type top.

herself last wore a bra on a regular basis when she was a teenager. being a careless sort, she lost the habit fairly quickly. apart from a brief and unsuccessful foray into lingerie in honour of a formal dinner at which she had to wear a strapless dress (dear readers, pinning your strapless dress to your strapless bra will not hold up the dress. it will merely pull down the bra too. as herself found to her cost. she had to eat the posh meal with her elbows clamped to her sides to prevent the ladies falling into the soup...) herself has shunned the brassiere for several decades.

her maamship, however, is an experienced bra-wearer.

"we need to go to marks and spencers," she said, "they have a measuring service there." herself went pale.

"you mean i will have to be measured?" she squeaked.

"well you have probably grown a bit since you last had a bra," said her maamship, firmly. this is undoubtedly true. herself confirmed that her last bra had been a 28 double a. the 28 is how far round it is under the ladies, and by way of some complicated mathematical formula the double a is how big the ladies are.

preparations were made and her maamship and herself headed off in the tt. i was not allowed to go. nor was my boy. in my case it was because they do not allow lurchers, or indeed any dogs, into marks and spencers. in my boy's case it was because he is developing a fascination with breasts. it was felt that this would not be conducive to bra-purchasing as he would almost certainly be taking photographs on his phone of the other shoppers as they tried on bras, or of the life-size dummies wearing bras which are apparently scattered around the lingerie department. he has a photograph of a lady with improbably large breasts as the background on his phone which he snapped from page 3 of his taxi-driver's newspaper.

as it turned out we found out in all too much detail about the bra-buying adventure. it would appear that herself and her maamship caused a bit of a stir. herself started to panic at the sight of the lingerie department. there were acres of bras to choose from. there were bras with little signs on which said 'feel me'. her maamship had to explain that these peeled off before you wore the bra and were not an invitation to local weirdos to have a grope. eventually they found a measuring lady. herself was taken into a cubicle.

"strip down to your bra," said the measuring lady. herself went clammy.

"er, i don't actually have a bra," muttered herself, "can you measure me round my t-shirt?"

"what size do you normally take?" asked the measuring lady.

"i don't know," said herself, curling into an embarrassed ball, "i haven't worn a bra for at least 20 years." eventually the lady ascertained what size herself was and brought a selection of bras for her to try. she plumped for a black one. this is because she never buys any clothing that isn't black.

after paying for the bra herself and her maamship made a swift exit. herself confirmed that this was the most stressful thing she had done in years. given how stressful life has been lately this is saying something. her maamship had to lower the roof on the tt for the drive home to allow herself to cool down. when they got home there were friends visiting so we got the full story in glowing detail. my boy ran off upstairs shrieking that herself was creeping him out.

"but lots of mums have bras," she called after his departing form. this did not stop him from saying that his mum was a flasher for the rest of the day. a hint of double standards, i felt, given his newfound hobby.

later on herself took me and my lady friend for a walk along the river. as we rounded a bend a group of walkers came into view. every single one of them was wearing a t-shirt with a pink bra over the top. as we drew closer it became clear that the t-shirts in fact had pictures of pink bras on them. it seems the walkers were raising money for breast cancer research. herself felt somewhat chastened. while the ladies may not like being incarcerated in their bra when herself goes to work, at least they are healthy. as my lady friend can confirm, not everyone is so lucky.


flutter said...

out & proud, babe. Out & proud

Patience-please said...

Oh my!!! Oh MY!!!
(The last bras I bought cost $12,000 plus three months of physical therapy. An idiot in a C-class Mercedes thought the red light mustn't apply to her, and crashed into my beloved Subaru wagon going around 45 mph. No more Subaru.)
Brilliant story telling! Just brilliant.

Anonymous said...

I love this. Just love it.

Please e-mail me,


Anonymous said...

Too funny Joker.

Woman in a Window said...

The only thing funnier than a good booby story is a good fart story. but I'm sure she doesn't fart, right?

joker the lurcher said...

mrs window woman: if she did it would smell of roses but you didn't hear that from me...

Spectrum of Possibilities said...


Have you grown?

Could be a whole new world out there...doesn't think geek have an LED bra?

Liv said...

sort of stunned at the no bra wearing. can't imagine. bras be important!