Tuesday, March 02, 2010

a bit cleaner

dear readers, here you can see the magnificent bonzo at rest, with his dear friend libby standing guard. it may not seem that someone as small as libby would be required to protect someone as large as bonzo, but let me tell you, this libby is a fierce little creature. young dave and i have learned from bitter experience to stay well clear of her heels. so bonzo can doze in the sunshine safe in the knowledge that no mountain tigers will be leaping on him from above.

i would have used a picture of the actual subject matter of this post, but this is a family blog and while this post is about something connected with family, using a photograph might result in it being filtered out by those helpful little creatures inside your computer that protect you from scary things. (herself had cause to wish she had some of the helpful creatures in her computer this week. bonzo and libby's field is drowning in mud so herself decided she needed to put down more hardcore. all i will say, dear readers, is do not google 'hardcore' without adding 'ballast' or 'rubble'.)

the reason for my caution is that this post is about the magnificent bonzo's magnificent wedding tackle. (i have added a link to the definition of this phrase as last time i used it there was consternation among my readers in canada. and possibly elsewhere.) it seems that horses, unlike lurchers, are unable to keep their own wedding tackle clean. this is because of the way they are designed. so their owner has to clean it for them. mr snake charmer is the sponsor for the wedding tackle, but herself does not trust him to approach the task of todger husbandry with sufficient gravitas. (i would advise my readers against googling 'todger' without turning off the image search facility. for those readers of a curious nature, the correct term for this operation is 'sheath cleaning'. again i would recommend switching off image search.) herself has bought some special stuff to do this with. on the label it says 'sheath cleaner' and then underneath, to my great relief, 'for horses'.

herself has never owned her own horse before so has never had the responsibility for this task. many years ago she had a horse on loan, but this was a lady horse and therefore did not have any appendages. herself was rather alarmed at the prospect of tackling the wedding tackle, and has been trying to rope in her maamship to provide moral support, using blandishments such as what a good story it would make if her maamship was asked to give an after-dinner speech at a judicial function.

herself delivered her sales patter by e-mail. she thoughtfully attached a description of what was involved which she had found on the internet. unfortunately the e-mail arrived at her maamship's at lunchtime. her maamship was not overly pleased to receive this helpful discourse and e-mailed herself back to say it had put her off her soup.

herself made a couple of attempts to persuade the magnificent bonzo of the importance of a clean todger but he was having none of it. uncle gary was approached and gave herself instruction on how to proceed. mrs lupin asked her brother, who has a horse, and was told that baby oil was the way to go. herself continued to prevaricate and was chatting to mrs toby, her new friend who has a horse near bonzo and libby's field, about the problem.

"oh, i'm an expert sheath cleaner!" said mrs toby, "toby has a bit of a problem down there so i have to do it quite often. i'll give you a hand." i should explain that toby is mrs toby's horse. mrs toby went on to explain that once a horse understood what was going on he generally got to quite like the experience. it seems toby likes it rather more than is entirely decent, and goes into something of a trance.

mental note to self: make sure my boy does not come out with comments about horse porn when the nice ladies from social services are next round...


uphilldowndale said...

What an education your blog is. I never knew, did I want or need to know? I'm not sure.

Anonymous said...

Oh my word,the things you have to put up with !!.All thoughts of ever owning a horse have now gone out the window

Anonymous said...

Hahahahahahahahahaha! I don't think I've laughed so hard in months! Todger... sheath cleaning....horse porn... wedding tackle! HaaHaa! I wouldn't do that if someone paid me a thousand dollars! I had NO idea of the responsibilities involved. Aren't there professionals for such jobs? The trance just did me in.Baby oil- giggle. Now you know my sense of humor. So glad there are no pics.

Leosmum said...

Dear Joker
I am an actual, real-life friend of uphilldowndale and found your blog via hers. I've been lurking and enjoying your adventures for awhile now, but today I laughed so hard I just had to comment!!

You really ought to write a book (or maybe several), obviously with some help from herself, although she may be too busy with Bonzo these days!! Anyway, keep up the good work!

From a devoted reader in Somerset.

Joker the Lurcher said...

thank you all! and a new reader - welcome, leosmum!

Forty Days of Happiness said...

haha!! this is hilarious! what a prospect.... and what a speech it would make for my mumship :)

Patience-please said...

Oh dear. Now I must clean the spewed coffee from the keyboard. I know better than to drink while reading your blog!

At one time I had 14 horses, (and I cared for all of them by myself) so here's my sheath-cleaning advice: be sure you get the bean!

GREAT post!

Anonymous said...

Her maamship would just like to add that she was eating soup with pearl barley in it. It takes a lot to put this woman off her food. Herself managed it with a graphic description of what is to be found when sheath cleaning.

Anonymous said...

As always, an education. I now have a new word to add to my ever expanding list of euphemisms for men's penises. Thank you.

Sara Stanley said...

hi there, i am also a real life friend of uphilldowndale and have found your blogg via hers. i too have a horse George - but as he never seems to have his 'todger' out so i have not yet ventured into those parts. Sara :)

Jos said...

It is with some relief that I note that the matter of sheath cleaning is now resolved!! Had visions of being roped into assisting and no amount of telling me that henceforth my after dinner stories would be much enlivened would sway me in the slightest. Wuss that I am.

Nice to see so many comments and all rightly complimentary of herselfs uniquie writing style which is always such fun to read.

Must get on with cleaning my keyboard from spluttered tea!!! xx

Casdok said...

Oh the things you learn when blogging!!!

Shrinky said...

OMG, I had no idea of the dedicated lengths you have to go to in keeping horses - sorry, I know I shouldn't laugh, but what a picture you conjure!


Anonymous said...

xx lol xx See, I rest my case, did I not tell you it is, without reasonable doubt, mostly all about the BEAN..

(ref: comment from Patience-please)

Mrs Toby