Saturday, March 27, 2010

don't whine

dear readers, yet again i must apologise for the long gap in communication. things have been busy as usual. herself has been particularly busy. her additional energy has been due to a sudden healthy lifestyle choice. she has decided to give up wine, and indeed all alcohol. this was in part brought on by a desire to put to the test the saying "you can never be too rich or too thin". herself, as regular readers will know, is neither rich nor thin. but the theory is that she will be less poor and less fat under the new regime. and will no doubt live longer, allowing her to nag my boy for the foreseeable future with impunity.

the downside of this is that she no longer sits down and relaxes of an evening with a glass of wine. this has extended the period of frenetic activity each day considerably. spring cleaning is happening with a vengance, including a foray into my boys's room. my boy's room is a place where untold things live under the bed, and spiders swing from the ceiling. or did. herself hoovered under the bed, for what must be the first time since we moved in. this was accompanied by a fair bit of screeching at the sheer horror of it all. but my boy was happy with the result and can now breathe more easily.

the hoovering has not been confined to our house. as part of the 'help bonzo knit his own hay' project, herself has got herself another cleaning gig to pay for his shoes. horses need big metal shoes to stop their delicate little hooves from wearing out. (that may sound a little bitter but since when did anyone ever worry about my paws?) the big metal shoes don't come cheap. so the snake-charmers are going to pay for the shoes in return for hoovering duties.

mr snake-charmer has very dodgy lungs which get irritated by the tiniest bit of dust so herself is charged with taking their new monster dust-defying vacuum cleaner and giving their bedroom a forensic makeover once a week, followed by the rest of the house if there is time. i just hope the snakes keep their heads down. trying to get a snake out of the innards of a hyper-allergenic hoover might prove tricky.

other news - our aunty is going to visit tomorrow! and she is bringing her other half with her! this visit, so soon after the last one, was necessitated by our recalcitrant dishwasher. (i have mentioned to herself that if she had put those anti-calcium tablets in the dishwasher it might not have become recalcitrant but she was having none of it.)

regular readers will recall that a plan was formulated to mend the dishwasher with the aid of a webcam. suffice to say this, like many of herself's ideas, was not a success. it all started promisingly enough. the dishwasher was pulled out from under the worktop, and unplugged (our aunty had placed great store by the unplugging of the beast, no doubt because of the water involved.) herself's laptop was placed nearby with the webcam.

here the first problem became apparent. herself's laptop did not have the correct drivers for the webcam. there was a short interlude while she searched the internet in vain for them. then my boy's laptop was brought down. this too did not have the drivers but, being a pc rather than a mac (don't get me started on that whole thing) was more likely to be able to work with the webcam. but my boy's laptop was equally unable to assist. this was because it requires a little gadget in order to be able to pick up the wireless network and my boy could not lay his hands on the gadget.

herself had a cup of tea while she thought things through. then, before you could say "stick to the day job" she had disconnected all the plumbing from the dishwasher and wheeled it into the living room where big mac, her computer, lives. big mac knows how to use a webcam and has even been known to try skype on occasion. having positioned everything properly and procured a torch, herself made contact with aunty jos. aunty jos was already giggling. i fear she knew what was to come.

"it is really important that you make a note of which screw came from which bit," she said, "mark them with a magic marker or something." herself did not quite understand how important 'really important' was, and very quickly muddled all the screws up. but this was not the main problem. the main problem was that the webcam was of very low resolution. couple this with the dark innards of a dishwasher, illuminated only by a torch, and you are beginning to get the idea. aunty jos was unable to tell her actuator from her elbow. coupled with herself's inability to remove the side panels from the beast without using a crowbar (best avoided dear readers, if you want to use the appliance afterwards) it appeared that the endevour was doomed.

however, in the background was mr jos, who is also an engineer, and a filtration engineer at that (aunty jos is some sort of hydraulic engineer, i think). a plan was hatched whereby aunty and mr jos would come down and deal with the beast in person. i think even our dishwasher will have to admit defeat in the face of two engineers.

so the dishwasher was replaced to await its fate. however, true to form, herself failed to reconnect the drain pipe. this was because the dishwasher is no longer working so did not need to drain. what herself failed to appreciate was that the washing machine was still draining, and without the pipe from the dishwasher, was draining all over the floor.

it is just as well the floor is already ruined from a previous leak. and also just as well that the peeps have not yet got round to having it replaced. the insurers might have pulled a bit of a face at two claims for a new floor within as many months...


Woman in a Window said...

is it so very wrong of me...i need a drink!

what you try to do is levels and levels about what i even think on. but what a perfect excuse for another get together.

is that mean, is that your typist behind that glass? she looks both slim and sober. ha!


Joker the Lurcher said...

hello mrs window! the person in the photo is not herself - it is mrs pj, a dear friend, who is indeed slim and sober! herself is more rotund, although hoping to become less so...

Jos said...

Mr Jos and I will be along tomorrow Joker, as planned (pssst don't tell Dave, I want to surprise him ... aunty's like that sort of thing!) :-)

Prolly arriving 2.30 ish but will call en-route.

Erin, I wish ... bloody hell wouldn't it be amazing of you lived nearer? What fun we'd have. xx

Lizzy said...

Oh my. Just reading about what herself does on a weekly basis makes me want to return to my bed for a rest:)

Hope the dishwasher is back in working order shortly.

leosmum said...

Hi Joker

I guess while your visiting engineers are doing their thing with the dishwasher, you and young Dave could offer your plate-cleaning services... Herself might not like the idea, but it would save much time and effort.

Also an important point: I believe wine that is imbibed while standing up has no calorific value, in much the same way that broken chocolate biscuits also have no calories.... they fall out when you break them...

Jos said...

See, Leosmum is very wise. I will break food more often from now on ... why stop at choccie biscuits? Surely this ranks as one of the major scientific breakthroughs of our time!

I'd hate to think that we will (if successful) be potentially robbing Joker & Dave of valuable snippets of snacky loveliness ... oh well, hopefully they'll forgive me! xx

Anonymous said...

WooooHoo! What a breathtaking ride along a trail of cleanliness and washer madness! Ohhh the cost of sobriety is very steep. I'm with Erin and her drink!
However, enjoy your visit and be sure to tell us about it. We can handle more relaxed fare!

Rachel said...

a hover has ventured under the boy's bed?!! how in the name of All Things Teenage Boy did this happen?? will be in sussex next week and would like a tour please joker