Thursday, March 13, 2008

porridge


above is a recipe. you will see that it is entitled porridge. but the recipe is not for porridge. it is the instructions on how to cook a burger. why, you may ask, is it headed 'porridge'? well this is a piece of paper from the long thin pad that the peeps use to keep track of what they need to buy when they go shopping. having a list is apparently a money-saving trick. it avoids impulse buying. although since the peeps have been shopping at lidl the scope for impulse buying has been greatly reduced. herself does not somehow feel the same impulse to buy a 12p tin of baked beans as she did a £3 bottle of luxury bubble-bath. i would prefer the beans, but there you are...

anyway, porridge is at the top because herself wrote it on there. himself has in fact now purchased porridge but he didn't want to waste the whole bit of paper.

"why not cross out where it says porridge?" asked herself, perfectly reasonably.

"i don't like crossings out", explained himself. he can be a bit like that. a little bit of the beefburger, i feel. anyway, that is why the instructions on how to make a burger are on a piece of paper headed 'porridge'.

why, i hear you ask, does anyone need instructions on how to cook a burger? ah, dear readers, this is because himself was going out and the burger-cooking was left in the hands of herself and my boy. while they have many skills between them, and herself even has a domestic use chainsaw certificate as well as a masters degree in law, they cannot be said to be very on the ball in the cooking stakes.

himself had to go out as he is the clerk to the governors at the school where he works. he is also a teaching assistant, the ict tzar and now also the e-learning manager. unfortunately, none of these lofty job titles is paid at a very high rate. they are all paid at the rather derisory rate of a teaching assistant which, given it involves nurturing the minds of the next generation ought to be considerably higher. anyway, i digress, as i am wont to do. to make up the money a bit himself also clerks for the governors who meet in the evening.

my boy decided he wanted a burger for tea.

"well, you and mummy will have to make it!" said himself, "i've got to go out." panicky looks were exchanged.

"can you write down how to do it?" asked herself, pitifully. himself was about to explode but then remembered previous culinary triumphs. he sat down and wrote out the recipe.

you are welcome to try it, dear readers. just don't go adding sugar to it...

8 comments:

deb said...

I like the detailed instructions, including, put mustard on lid. He is thorough. Or is it a result of experience?

La La said...

Too funny. I laughed when I read, "I don't like cross outs." That's my favorite thing about lists, crossing out what I've accomplished.

Eileen said...

This is the most detailed instructions I have seen for making a burger! I think that even I (who dislikes cooking) could manage it. Very funny post. I would really like to see your recipe for porridge.
How did the burgers turn out?

Joker The Lurcher said...

deb: it is absolutely the result of experience. and people who take things literally of course...

eileen: it was ok, but not quite up to himself's standard. my boy is very polite about herself's cooking, though.

Lesley Rigby said...

I know that look of panic well when you know you have to cook! My husband is the cook in our house and he might as well ask me to shin up a tree as cook scrambled egg.

I get similar notes left for me which would suggest I am a retard but he is a Lawyer and used to dealing with office staff! I will say no more.............

crazymumma said...

But I just went over to tumblr and I saw a picture of you and herself. You love her very much don't you?

Joker The Lurcher said...

mrs rigby: herself too is a lawyer! maybe male lawyers have cooking as part of their training...

mrs crazymumma: in fact this is my lady friend with a nice lady who herself took some photos of. herself is very flattered that she could be mistaken for this lady who is very glamorous!

Casdok said...

I dont like crossed out bits either!