porridge

above is a recipe. you will see that it is entitled porridge. but the recipe is not for porridge. it is the instructions on how to cook a burger. why, you may ask, is it headed 'porridge'? well this is a piece of paper from the long thin pad that the peeps use to keep track of what they need to buy when they go shopping. having a list is apparently a money-saving trick. it avoids impulse buying. although since the peeps have been shopping at lidl the scope for impulse buying has been greatly reduced. herself does not somehow feel the same impulse to buy a 12p tin of baked beans as she did a £3 bottle of luxury bubble-bath. i would prefer the beans, but there you are...

anyway, porridge is at the top because herself wrote it on there. himself has in fact now purchased porridge but he didn't want to waste the whole bit of paper.

"why not cross out where it says porridge?" asked herself, perfectly reasonably.

"i don't like crossings out", explained himself. he can be a bit like that. a little bit of the beefburger, i feel. anyway, that is why the instructions on how to make a burger are on a piece of paper headed 'porridge'.

why, i hear you ask, does anyone need instructions on how to cook a burger? ah, dear readers, this is because himself was going out and the burger-cooking was left in the hands of herself and my boy. while they have many skills between them, and herself even has a domestic use chainsaw certificate as well as a masters degree in law, they cannot be said to be very on the ball in the cooking stakes.

himself had to go out as he is the clerk to the governors at the school where he works. he is also a teaching assistant, the ict tzar and now also the e-learning manager. unfortunately, none of these lofty job titles is paid at a very high rate. they are all paid at the rather derisory rate of a teaching assistant which, given it involves nurturing the minds of the next generation ought to be considerably higher. anyway, i digress, as i am wont to do. to make up the money a bit himself also clerks for the governors who meet in the evening.

my boy decided he wanted a burger for tea.

"well, you and mummy will have to make it!" said himself, "i've got to go out." panicky looks were exchanged.

"can you write down how to do it?" asked herself, pitifully. himself was about to explode but then remembered previous culinary triumphs. he sat down and wrote out the recipe.

you are welcome to try it, dear readers. just don't go adding sugar to it...