Thursday, May 10, 2007

coca

last night my boy announced at 9pm that he needed cookery ingredients for today. regular readers will know that this is not unusual. my boy has poor organisational skills. he blames these on his autism. i blame them on herself. he has her genes. she could not organise her way out of a paper bag.

"i need flour, and sugar and butter and an egg and cocoa!" said my boy. "where are we going to find cocoa at this time of night?" said himself, in something of a flap. "don't worry" said herself, they will have a bit of spare cocoa for the kids who forget. some of them are from homes where they can't get it together to get the ingredients together so they always have spare."

i am not sure why herself was so confident about this. i suspect it is because of when she was at school. from what i hear it sounds as though her family spent more time in the kitchen throwing things at each other than lovingly packing up the cookery ingredients.

however it would appear that things have changed. when herself got home, after a particularly tough day, she asked my boy "how did cookery go?" "i had to make savoury biscuits" he replied. "why?" asked herself. "because i didn't have any cocoa." "but you had sugar - what happened to the sugar?" "i think i gave it to someone" he said. "brilliant!" said herself, always looking on the bright side, "we can have them with cheese!"

the peeps went into the bedroom so my boy could not hear their conversation. "is it me?" said herself, "do they not have a single bit of cocoa in the school for someone with inadequate parents and poor organisational skills? don't they even have some in the staff room for the teachers?" "maybe they are trying to teach him to remember things," said himself.

it has to be said that incandescent didn't really describe it. herself feels slights on her parenting rather keenly. she also takes the view that if you want to teach an autistic person something like - remember the cocoa next time - you say to them "remember the cocoa next time" and for good measure write it on their forehead or their planner or somewhere. you do not say "if you don't have cocoa you will have to make savoury biscuits" as this does not really make the point.

she grabbed her bag and pulled out a document. "this is what i have been doing for the last two days!" she said, "this is why i failed to be perfect enough to have some cocoa hidden at the back of my wardrobe for just such an eventuality!" himself took the document. it was a court order closing down a crack house for 3 months. herself spent most of yesterday drafting papers and statements and sorting out getting this case into court. "these people are horrible violent thugs!" she said. "they ran over a toddler in a pram with their motorbike and broke her nose. they tried to cut off someone's head with a samurai sword. they have been shooting cats and cars. they have been having fights with knives in the street. they have the whole neighbourhood so terrified that no-one will report anything to the police. this is why i don't have any cocoa!"

himself looked at the document. "why does it refer to nottinghamshire police?" he ventured. we are nowhere near nottinghamshire. herself had a look. the court clerk had made a mistake and used a document from somewhere else. herself got on the phone. it seems that this can be sorted out easily and a new order will be prepared for placing on the shuttered up property.

herself rang the inspector to let him know. "oh blimey!" he said, "i hope it didn't come out in the photographs!" i should explain that the local paper had come along when herself and a policeman had fixed the order to the house and had taken pictures. after a call to the paper it appears that all is well. the photos will not be that detailed. so there will not be questions of the local police as to why they are policing nottinghamshire when they are so thinly spread round here.

"well at least some good came of the cocoa shortage!" said herself.

and why, i hear you ask, is this post called coca? has the venerable lurcher forgotten how to use a spell check? no, dear reader, coca is what they make cocaine from. and cocaine is what they make crack from. so it is a sort of pun. although not a particularly good one...

8 comments:

Navi said...

interesting.... everything I've read appears to be convinced autistics would be great at organization...

Of course, my son seems to be the king of chaos at times, so it shows what they know... of course we could also blame that on the adhd he appears to have inherited from his father (and perhaps his mother) as well....

my daughter (who also has appeared to have picked up the add) and I are frequently making last minute trips for stuff....

I never have cocoa in the house... me and baking... not exactly my thing. Where I am, though, we have these lovely 24 hr superstores that have everything....

Tabba said...

clever, interesting, and amusing. As always!

deb said...

I think my husband and children may all be autistic. Is that possible? Sounds like herself is doing good work.

Lou said...

hilarious as always...

jen said...

wow. herself has her hands full. that sort of business (the coca) can't be easy on anyone involved.

take care.

ariacarta said...

I just have to say:

Oh, have I been there! In grad school? I'm perceived as the second coming of the messiah...but with teachers? The group I am studying to become one of? I can just never get it right.

Which made me feel horrible till I started talking to other moms in my education program. Everyone felt the same way: a poor parent.

Your son benefits FAR MORE from having a mother who annihilates crack dens than he does having a mother with cocoa in the cupboard.

Are savoury biscuits SO BAD?

Aoj said...

Does "anyone" keep cocoa in the cupboard these days!!??

Iseult said...

I keep cocoa in the cupboard (two kinds), but that's because I am single without children and happen to love a mug of homemade hot cocoa. I don't have a lot of other things people normally have, though, so that should make up for it.