the swines

dear readers, herself is currently working at home. this is because her room-mate at work, miss shell, has been signed off with swine flu and herself does not fancy sitting in the germ-ridden office waiting to start sneezing. given that himself has a compromised immune system as a result of the drugs he has to take to keep superkidny ticking over, this is a very wise move. luckily, with the geeky household that we have, this arrangement has not resulted in any interruption of service on the work front. if anything herself gets more done, on account of not having colleagues to natter with.

while the work arrangements are tickety-boo, the arrangements for my boy going to college are causing herself some grief. this is because the local irritation authority has a mission to make life complicated. they employ people for this very purpose. they are called irritation officers.

my boy, as regular readers will know, is of the beefburger persuasion. he has a number of other things that make him special as well. because he is prone to wildness at school, he has a thing called a statement. this is a long document that describes his wildness and says that if he gets too wild the teachers have to sit on him until he calms down. because he has this statement the peeps have more dealings than they would like with the local irritation authority. herself has been in correspondence with the irritation officer assigned to my boy. what follows has been edited to remove any identifying features that might lead to a visit to the irritation authority offices by members of the worldwide chapter of the Hoard of Menopausal Women.

it all started on a friendly note with an e-mail from herself:

Dear Ms Irritation Officer

Further to the recent meeting at our boy's school, I am writing with regard to his education from September 2009. Last week our boy attended at taster days at the nice college with the animals and also had an interview. He has been offered a place on the course, subject to us arranging the funding. I gather that the nice ladies at the college have spoken to the nice lady at our boy's school and that she has contacted you, but I thought I should also make contact in case there is paperwork I need to complete.

Can you let me know how to progress this?

Herself

to which the irritation officer replied:

Thank you for your email.

No decision will be made in respect of placement for your boy until the statutory assessment has concluded. I cannot pre-empt the outcome of the statutory assessment, however, if we decide to issue a further statement for your boy you will at that stage be invited to submit your parental preference of placement.

I hope this is helpful.

well dear readers, i don't know about you, but helpful is not what i would call it. herself was fuming. my boy wanted to deal with things in his own sweet way but herself explained that this would result in more grief. instead she wrote back in a slightly less accommodating tone:

Dear Ms Irritation Officer

Thank you for your message. Our boy will be starting at the nice college with the animals in September. If the Local Irritation Authority has failed to complete the necessary assessment in time we will borrow the money for his fees. We are not willing for our boy to remain outside the education system indefinitely. The Local Irritation Authority is not in a position to be able to justify its inaction and obstructive approach given the fact that our boy has been out of school since January with no support from the LIA . I suggest you seek advice from the LIA's solicitors.

Herself

so it seems the gloves are off. what is amazing is that this is the same irritation officer that dealt with my boy some years ago. you would think she would have learned that resistance is useless. what she may not have realised is that she is now dealing with the Hoard of Menopausal Women...