Sunday, April 19, 2009

entirely to be expected


dear readers, this week blog-fodder has been falling out of the sky upon us! it seems we only have to set foot outside the door and something interesting happens to us!

yesterday, young dave and i were taking herself and my boy for their daily exercise by the river. this may sound a fairly straightforward matter, and indeed for most households it would be. but my boy is still very resistant to leaving the house. the peeps have come up with a system whereby my boy is not allowed to watch tv or go on his computer until he has completed certain tasks. these are: getting out of bed, having a shower, having breakfast, taking his meds and going for a drive and a walk. the drive and walk can be combined or separate but they have to both be done. my boy was not thrilled by the introduction of this system.

"its unethical!" he roared, "i am going to go on my computer whenever i want!" herself disabused him of this idea very quickly by explaining he would find crucial components removed from the innards of his computer if he dared to go against her on this.

yesterday there was much stomping around and muttering, followed by stamping upstairs and banging doors. unfortunately, my boy forgot to take his trainers with him when he stomped upstairs. as soon as the trainers were unattended young dave decided to try a little podiatry. by the time the peeps had come back downstairs the trainers had no lining.

"i can't wear those!" yelled my boy.

"find some other shoes then!" replied herself at only a slightly lower volume.

the other shoes no longer fitted as my boy's long pale paws have grown considerably recently.

"that's it. i'm not going!"

"that's fine," said herself, "but no computer or tv."

my boy saw resistance was useless and started putting the mangled trainers on, muttering about the laces being covered in spit.

after a journey to the river in the car, punctuated by my boy muttering about how unfair his life was we finally arrived. by this time i would have been pleased never to hear another word on the subject. young dave and i romped off. it was not long before we met 3 collies, together with their owner. their owner was a rather posh lady, not given to small talk. she may even have been a beefburger person, now i come to think of it. she cut straight to the chase without as much as a greeting.

"are your dogs entire?"

well, i don't know about you, dear readers, but i think if a person is going to start asking questions about a chap's wedding tackle they should at least find out his name first. herself explained that i had said goodbye to my bits some while ago and that young dave had recently followed suit.

"that's a shame!" said the posh lady. i could only agree with her. i used to while away many a happy hour playing the canine equivalent of pocket billiards. but it seems her question was not purely making conversation.

"where i keep my horse, the woman has five rough-coated lady lurchers and she is looking for a husband for them." my eyes were on stalks! five lady lurchers wanting a husband! young dave and i could have applied for a job-share! the posh lady was clearly a dog-pimp! i felt the loss of my wedding tackle more keenly than i had for a long time, and fleetingly considered whether the five lady lurchers might accept an application from a slightly less entire but none the less fully operational sort of chap. or pair of chaps.

herself was explaining about my bit of trouble with my prostate and why my bits had to go (she has no sense of decorum). then she went on to explain the problems dave was having with his wedding tackle and the humping and other activities. at this point the lady took her leave, rather suddenly i thought. herself and my boy carried on along the river, discussing this unusual conversation and the lady's swift exit. it dawned on herself that the lady would have had no inkling from what herself had said that 'dave' was my hairy sidekick. when the conversation was re-run from the point of view of 'dave' possibly referring to my boy rather than to young dave it did have a very different ring to it. ho hum...

14 comments:

deb said...

Did the boy's fear start before or after the super kidney surgery? There's no connection is there?

Merry said...

Poor Joker - herself must be an endless source of embarassment, it's no wonder why you're spurned by the classier echelons of canine society!

Anonymous me said...

The possibility that the beefburger woman may have misconstrued "Dave" as being anyone other than the real Dave had me cackling like mad person at my pooter ... it's the way herself tells 'em. xx J

Cheryl said...

Like those rules....a lot. I think I will be taking your lead. It is amazing how much power/love the computer holds. Let me know how it goes. When I try to be consistent, and am not due to the rages, it is pointless. Knowing this in ones head vs. dealing with it, two different things.

Your experience on the beach, had me laughing.

Woman in a Window said...

Started laughing at the shoes (poor, poor boy) and ended with pains in my side. I love it!

You do have a magnet for these mishaps.

Auntie Jane said...

Oh dear Joker... How embarressing for you... and what a shame. A chance in a lifetime for 5 lady friends. Never mind... there are enough Lurchers in rescue centres needing forever homes already.

I hope your boy gets sorted soon. Herself has enough to worry about.

Patience-please said...

Thanks for the delightful smiles. Not at all at your expense, dear Joker. Not at all.

Halo said...

It's just the way she said: "are your dogs entire?" lol made me chuckle...what's wrong with: 'have your dogs got nuts or not?'. Sorry joker :D

uphilldowndale said...

Wonderful!
There is a world of difference between breeding and sex!

RachelW said...

What a gorgeous photo! And your writing is equally enjoyable, as always. Hehe...

Vetnurse said...

ROFLMAO l am glad that she went off embarrassed, l have no time for people like her.

Graham, Prince & Tilly said...

You never fail to make me laugh - regardless of the ups and downs you might be experiencing! A way with words you certainly have! I'm please to see all's well.....

starrlife said...

All I can say is oops! Sounds tricky!

She said...

Finally catching up! Always love coming here. Too funny. Poor boy. I'd not leave my house either if I weren't made to. In order to eat, I must go to work. Great rules!

Poor, poor Joker! His bits and all the talk about them. ;-)