Wednesday, February 11, 2009

drama queen

dear readers, today's post very nearly did not get written. herself came downstairs yesterday to find young dave running round with her glasses in his mouth. in spite of being asked nicely he was reluctant to relinquish them, but eventually herself regained control. the glasses are none the worse for wear apart from falling off her nose more than they used to.

monday was a day of high drama. mondays are one of the days we walk kinky the dalmation. monday dawned wet. the first task of the day was for the peeps to drop off herself's car at the towbar place. himself has a car which was lent to him by some nice people called motability and now he has super kidny the car has to go back. so the peeps had to buy another car. the new car does not have a towbar. and because of the trailer we need a towbar so herself arranged for one to be fitted.

all went well until herself tried to start the car. "ner, ner, ner, clunk" said the car. and that was it. the peeps tried some things called jump leads, although i could not see much jumping from my vantage point in the window. more drooping than jumping, if the truth be told. then herself tried connecting the car to the battery charger (which involved asking mrs rokit to put the extension lead through their window as herself cannot work out how to remove the battery). while the car was absorbing electricity the towbar man rang. it seemed that unless arthur the audi was there sharpish they would have to come back next week. as you cannot hurry a battery charger arrangements were made for next monday.

eventually herself had pushed enough leccy into the battery to start the car so she took it off to the battery folks to get a new battery. himself was then dropped off at work. this was when things started to unwind. herself decided to take me and young dave and kinky to the beach, in an effort to avoid extreme sports in the mud. but the beach was a bad idea. almost the minute we go there young dave found something dead. it was not only dead but had been highly spiced. no-one could work out what it was but it smelt rough, even to my tutored nose. the next thing that happened was that kinky took fright and ran off into the road. it may have been the rain that elicited this response as it was horizontal and sharp at this point. anyway, herself caught me and put me in the car before trying to catch the younger folks. young dave would not come back until he had finished every morsel of the dead thing. so herself set off after kinky, who was making a bid for home. kinky eventually headed into a church, and young dave was curious enough to jump over the wall, whereupon he was apprehended by herself.

"jesus christ!" said herself. then, realising she was in the grounds of the church, she said to young dave, "i shouldn't have said that. it was disrespectful, given where we are." young dave is not a spiritual being so this was lost on him.

herself turned her attention to kinky, who had set off at a pace. after some time herself realised that kinky was looking round periodically to check she had a human in tow. if this had been me or young dave herself would have left us to get back to the car, but as kinky is the dog of friends there is a certain amount of responsibility involved. anyway, herself came back to the car and we drove around for some time before finding kinky and eventually apprehending her, with the aid of a kindly man who was passing.

after kinky had been delivered safely home we crawled back into the house, stunned by the weather. but there was to be no rest for the virtuous. a visitor was due, for whom extensive preparations had been made the day before. the visitor was from socialist services and was coming to help sort out my boy's fear. in anticipation of her visit the blood from my tail had been cleaned off the walls and the general air of decay had been replaced by the smell of air freshener.

as herself settled down on the sofa to compose herself before the arrival of the visitor, young dave began to retch. and before he could be encouraged into the garden he had regurgitated the whole of the rotting carcass, all over our bed. and i have to say it was one of the least fragrant offerings i have encountered. herself and my boy squealed. my boy was dispatched to fetch air freshener, while herself, with her face buried in her jumper, scooped up the vile offering into bags. no sooner had the worst of it been pitched outside than the socialist worker lady knocked on the door.

she was a nice lady, and polite about young dave's advances, but it was clear that herself was not relaxed. no doubt the thought of young dave's fondness for his nether regions was preying on her mind. at last the visit was over and the lady left, promising to write a letter to the people who deal with fear.

meanwhile i am camping out in the chair. nothing would possess me to sleep among that miasma...


Lou said...

made me laugh out loud again! it was the socialist worker that did it.

Dave's timing is excellent as always.


Auntie Jane said...

OMG... I had to laugh. Am sitting here choking as I was trying to eat something while reading... Then slurped coffee everywhere as I laughed and choked again.

Dogs! You couldn't live without them, could you? I know I couldn't.

I hope you get the tow bar fixed eventually.

Penny said...

I can almost envisage the panic laden day; from the glasses, car and Kinky and young Dave's high jinx, to the untimely regurgitation of the corpse. What a hoot. Pen

Anonymous said...

Oh my god woman, you do like it rough. The fact that you didn't mention any rugs made out of dog pelts says volumes about your patience:)

Woman in a Window said...

jesus christ woman, how do you deal? and WHAT in the hell is in that water to kill so many things? I don't think I've ever been to such a beach of death.

How's the boy?

uphilldowndale said...

It gives me hope to read that other people can't retrieve their dogs either. After a morning like that I would have kept you canines, in the Audi, in the in bit under the floor, with the spare wheel

She said...

1. Cats are way easier!

2. "Jesus Christ" in the church yard sent my drink out of my nose! You are too damn funny!

3. I love coming here. I know I say that every time, but it bears repeating!