toyz

this evening herself and i went to the beach. this was rather sudden. my boy was fixating on the purchase of a cap gun, which even i could see was a silly idea given dave the puppy's tender years. yesterday my boy drove both peeps to distraction with the cap gun thing so today herself tried to head him off by saying she was going to sit in the car outside the house to do some laptopping (we have wireless internet so the laptop would still work, although the neighbours might have thought it a trifle odd). in the end, as i had not stretched my legs all day, we went to the beach in something of a gale instead.

when we got back we came across mrs rokit coming out of her house. it did not take much to persuade mrs rokit and the rokettes to come and meet dave. they miss young rokit badly, although he seems very happy in his new career as a fashion model. here you can see him on a rather fancy bespoke dog bed.

they brought round a wonderful toy! it is a rubber bone with a very loud squeaker. i love squeaky toys! i have rather blotted my copy book on the toy front and it is very hard persuading the peeps that i have seen the error of my ways in terms of eating the squeakers out of toys within the first 5 minutes. but the new bone appears to be indestructible. while dave was otherwise engaged cuddling the rokettes i put the squeaky bone through its paces. it is wild! admittedly the peeps had a job making themselves heard above the squeaking...

when dave had tired of being cuddled he caused a diversion and ran off with the squeaky bone with me in hot pursuit. i have to say he is already displaying some decidedly crafty lurcherish tendencies. no sooner had he seen me on his tail than he shot under the sofa. here you can see me trying to persuade him to come out.

when he finally did come out himself rather unsportingly removed the squeaky bone, as it was drowning out the commentary on the footie. so dave and i had to make do with the jingly rubber ball. he soon tired of this and climbed into my bed. i am going to have to have words with him about this.

luckily at night dave has to be locked into his cage. the night-time wailing is abating a bit. last night i was put on story-telling duty after my boy had told dave a story about merlock coastrunners and river poor gnolls. there was also a little tale about the scarlet crusade in the land of the undead. my bed was put by dave's cage and i regaled him with details of the day i caught the big deer. i hope the poor little chap doesn't have nightmares after all the blood and gore...

puppy training

sleepy puppies

dear readers, i have been sent a link to a most marvellous film which shows how to get puppies to go to sleep. there is a special song that you have to sing. now i just have to get the peeps to learn to sing...

my puppy!

dear readers, this puppy business is growing on me! once i got past the initial fear that the peeps had found me another bride i decided to speak to him. he is actually rather sweet. admittedly he has some funny habits, but no doubt with sound leadership from yours truly he will soon get the hang of things. his most irritating habit is undoubtedly night-time wailing. i suppose it is only to be expected that a chap will find it a little tricky moving from sleeping with a pile of other warm bodies to sleeping alone in a crate but even so, at my age i need my sleep without neighbour nuisance.

on the first night herself slept on the sofa. it is not uncommon for me to have company in the living-room. himself regularly is relegated to the sofa on account of his snoring. at least herself is relatively quiet. but young dave was a little restless and needed to pop outside to answer the call of nature on a number of occasions. i wouldn't have minded that in itself. i know what its like to have trouble with the old plumbing. but after he had had a tinkle he took forever to get used to his bed again. there was wailing and fussing and all sorts.

herself remembers well when my boy was a pup and the many happy hours she spent sitting by his cot with her hand on him so he knew she was there. its a technique invented by the peeps called 'being boring but reassuring'. you must never do anything interesting like put the light on, or jiggle toys, or even move around much. you just have to let the small crittur know you are there so it doesn't panic.

some of herself's friends had a different approach to their babies. they left them to wail. it is called controlled crying, although from what i hear there is nothing very controlled about it. the peeps gave it a go but by all accounts it was not a success. after about 30 seconds herself turned to himself and said,

"if i have to do this for a moment longer it will destroy my insides. i don't care if it ruins his psyche for years to come i cannot listen to a little thing alone at night in a state and not go to him. i will not be able to function at work if i have to do this." himself agreed that it was not for them and they went back to the boring but reassuring technique. it seems to have worked - my boy sleeps like a log nowadays.

so dave the puppy is coming in for the same. after he is back in his crate, with his soft toy and fluffy blanky, herself sits on the floor by the door and puts her hand on dave. she sits like this in the dark until he is asleep. sometimes she misjudges the level of sleep and is creeping out of the door when a little wail starts up and she has to start again. i would not have the patience. the little fellow would have a swift cuff and be told to get on with it. but having said that this technique seems to work on puppies as well as it does on babies. last night was only day 2 and dave slept from midnight to 5.30am without a break. if we can just get him round to 6.30am we will have the sleep thing cracked.

last night dave had the delight of a bedtime story from my boy. while herself made cuppa teas my boy read to dave about modern weapons. dave got to hear about how a double action shotgun works, and the joys of ak47s. he seemed to find this very relaxing. mind you, my boy used to enjoy having the regulations relating to fluorescent light in offices read to him every night for a long time. beefburger people are funny like this. herself greatly impressed a colleague who asked if there were regulations about strip lights in offices and she was able to reel off the whole thing word for word.

today herself is going to buy young dave some toys. i may be able to liberate one for me...

dave the puppy

well dear readers, let me introduce my new puppy. here is a picture of him taken on herself's phone so it does not do the little fellow justice. he really is very sweet, although alarmingly small.

we set off yesterday very early to go down to devon to collect him. after the google maps fiasco last weekend herself had the forethought to print off the directions from the computer before we left. she handed a wad of paper to himself, who expressed his displeasure that the directions used the numbers of the roads rather than telling you which town to head towards. you just can't please some people. herself pointed out that these directions were from multimap rather than google maps and that we were fast running out of alternatives.

we had reached dorset, accompanied by my boy asking at each lamppost whether we were nearly there yet. my boy asked for the postcode of the place we were heading for so he could look it up on his phone. my boy still has faith in google maps. the postcode began with 'e x'.

"i thought you said it was in exmoor" asked himself.

"it is," said herself, "that's why its e x."

"but e x is for exeter!" said himself.

"so?"

"exeter is nowhere near exmoor!" himself waved the printed out map at her. "its near dartmoor!"

it would appear that, had this little matter not come to our attention, we could have had to drive the whole way to north devon before anyone sussed out the error of our ways. himself groaned.

"you are priceless!" he said. i fully expected my boy to pipe up with the refrain "for everything else there is mastercard" but he was otherwise engaged reading his book on the modern history of weapons by this time.

eventually we found the farm where dave started his life. the kind man came out to meet us. so did a variety of small noisy dogs, larger slightly less noisy dogs and many cats, some with no tails. as this was the place where my late lady friend had lived before we took her home i wondered whether the lack of tails was anything to do with her, but the kind man explained that these were manx cats who had never had tails to start with.

we had a cup of tea and a chat. that is the peeps did. in spite of my efforts i failed to steal any tea at all, although i did liberate the kind man's biscuit when he wasn't looking. the little chap was in a cage with a fluffy duck. he was flaked out, having had a bath and been hairdryed afterwards. my boy was entranced.

"he is the sweetest little creature i have ever seen!" he said. i let this one pass as he had of course never seen yours truly as a puppy. i was very sweet indeed.

after a fair bit of chat we set off for home. dave sat in the middle of the back seat on a towel between herself and my boy. i sat in the back and tried to retain a dignified aloofness. i didn't want young dave thinking his new uncle was a soft touch.

the journey back took forever. there were breakdowns, accidents, traffic jams and just delays. my boy started wanting a pee almost immediately and kept up a constant reminder of this fact until we found some services. rather wearing i have to say.

eventually we got home. young dave and i were left on the floor to get acquainted. i made the mistake of giving him a little nudge with my nose which sent him screaming and wailing into the kitchen. the young chap appears to have been rather molly-coddled. soon knock him into shape though.

last night herself slept on the sofa in order to be available for trips out into the garden in the night. i took the precaution of sleeping upstairs. if the choice is between himself's snoring and the squeaking of a puppy, give me the snoremonster any day.

dave is giving me a rather wide berth this morning, which can only be a good thing. i have heard what puppies can do to an old dog's beard...

world of witchcraft

dear readers, my boy and himself have taken up online computer games. they sit in my boy's room at their respective machines, running through tunnels and slaying gremlins. when herself went in yesterday evening they made their characters wave at each other! it is most surreal. my boy has already managed to drag proceedings down to a smutty teenage level. he proudly showed herself how he had been on a quest to find some odd sort of berries and that in return for completing this quest a lady character was going to bake him a pie and take her blouse off. as he says, computer games are so educational...

and some other news which has had me leaping about with glee - i am going to have a puppy! not me personally you understand. that would be a first for medical science even if i had not had my wedding tackle removed. no, this puppy is going to come and live with us! as you know, i love puppies. they have a real sense of fun and make me seem really grown up. i so enjoyed taking young rokit under my wing and teaching him a few tricks. its a pity he had to go and live in london, although i gather he is now something of a media star.

our new puppy is called dave and is also a lurcher. he was named after my boy's taxi driver. the little chap is the son of a lady lurcher belonging to the kind man who originally rescued my now sadly departed lady friend. dave is one of 8 puppies. when i heard this i was rather alarmed. while one puppy will be sheer joy, 8 might be a little too much for an old codger like me. but i was worrying unduly, dave's brothers and sisters are all going off to other homes.

we are off to fetch the little chap on saturday, so i will post some pictures of him as soon as we get back. wish me luck!

good morning campers

dear readers, i can only apologise for my silence in recent times. some of my readers have been getting worried about us. it is simply that i cannot get the staff. herself has been all over the place. but i have forced her to type this post so that you know i have not disappeared off the face of the earth.

above you will see a picture of himself looking less than cheery. this is because i told him that a car was about to crash into his head. this picture was taken last weekend when we went camping. there is a camp site halfway between her maamship and the prof's house and our house so we meet them there. it was looking as though we would not get any hols this year so the peeps eagerly awaited getting away. it was also going to be the first outing of the new tent. another new tent? i hear you say. yes, another new tent.

the peeps have a bit of a history with tents. when my boy arrived and they started camping as a family they had to buy a bigger one than the little old dome tent that had done them proud for years. so they bought a big tent. but not big enough for what the future held in store. herself decided that she would order some campbeds from the internet. these were very large campbeds. herself rather uncharacteristically checked the floor plan of the tent to make sure they would fit. but when they arrived they were not just large. they were huge. and although they might have fitted on the floor of the tent, this would have meant the peeps had to saw off the legs which would have defeated the object. herself had failed to take account of the fact that tents go inwards as they go upwards.

so a new tent was purchased. this was large enough to accomodate the beds. for a couple of summers it provided comfortable quarters for holidays. then we went to dorset. the tent got destroyed in a storm.

so another new tent was purchased, again from the internet. this tent was even huger. but it had room for the campbeds and had a large living room bit where the peeps and their fellow campers could sit of an evening playing cards and glugging wine. there was even room for me and my bed. the problem with this tent was that it was a devil to erect. it came with a dvd showing you how to put it up. the first time we went camping with it my boy and i sat in the car puzzling over the dvd on herself's laptop while the peeps valiantly struggled to prevent the tent going into orbit in a gale.

putting this tent up also took at least 2 adults and preferably 4 of them. which was all well and good until himself got poorly. herself couldn't even lift the bag never mind putting the thing up. so the very huge tent was sold on ebay and a smaller tent was purchased, also on ebay. because our new garden is not very large, it was not possible to have a practice run with the new tent. so the camping trip this weekend was a bit of a blind date. the peeps had no idea whether the new tent would have holes in the roof, or indeed if it would have a roof at all.

when we arrived at the campsite, after a journey 3 hours longer than it needed to be due to google maps on herself's phone not knowing which way the car was pointing, her maamship and the prof were already there. they had already erected their tent and were enjoying a beer. after the hellos were out of the way, the peeps started on the new tent. or more accurately herself started on the new tent as she wanted to make sure she could do it on her own.

as the new tent was of a quick erect design, it was soon erect. or more accurately it was up. as her maamship so delicately put it, it was flaccid. and not very tall. a discussion followed as to whether this was why it had been sold on ebay. the peeps walked around the tent scratching their heads. a search was conducted to see if there were more poles. then herself had the bright idea of getting out the instructions. on the front was a picture of how the tent was supposed to look. our tent looked like the little brother of the tent in the picture. herself delved randomly into the instructions, looking for pictures of smaller tents.

"aha!" she said, "it has telescopic legs!" this sounded like a useful trick. i wondered if i might be able to purchase some telescopic legs to help me with my thieving.

the prof and her maamship fiddled around with a pound coin and the legs and eventually the tent grew until it stood proud and tall. i breathed a sigh of relief. my ears were still hurting from the raised voices in the car over the google maps incident, without having to listen to a tirade from himself about the evils of ebay. anyway, now we are home safely and i can catch up with my correspondence. i do love camping but i miss the internet...

normal service is resumed

well readers, i have had to be firm with the peeps. it is no good sitting around moping. in fact i am adjusting very well to the single life. no nagging, no lady stuff going on. it suits me just fine.

but the peeps are a little glum. herself's glumness is not helped by her only having the one functional limb. normally when she is down she persecutes the plants in the garden, or takes it out on the walls, but she is limited to gentle pursuits until the wounds heal.

so when my boy's sitter came i took the peeps to the beach. i did a few rounds of silly running to make them laugh but herself just stood looking at the sea and weeping. so i did a bit of bouncing around and playing the clown. i am the merry widower after all. but they were not be be deterred. they sat on a bench looking at the sea and not speaking very much. herself refraining from speaking is particularly alarming. it means she is thinking. while multitasking comes as second nature in terms of most of her activities, thinking before or while speaking does not seem to be one of them.

i sat down and fixed her with my blue eye. this is my magic eye. sometimes when people stop herself and ask her "can he see out of that eye?" she will reply in a portentious voice, "he can see into your soul!" i use my blue eye for matters that require someone's full attention. when i had herself's attention i put my paw on her knee and my chin in her lap. this seemed to comfort her. she took hold of himself's hand and they went back to the car and drove home.

yesterday my boy was getting ready for school and herself was sitting laptopping. my boy gave me a cuddle and chatted away in my ear. to tell the truth i wasn't really listening. suddenly my boy said,

"why do dogs like rhetorical questions so much?"

this made me sit up and listen. here was a philosophical conundrum, and before breakfast as well. should i answer my boy and break the cardinal rule of doghood? if i were to say "i like rhetorical questions because they allow me to maintain my silence, thus perpetuating the belief that dogs do not speak," i would by that very act be doing just the opposite. but if i did not answer, it would effectively turn what was not a rhetorical question into a rhetorical question. luckily herself stepped into the breach.

"because they don't want to have to go to the trouble of thinking about anything too complicated, especially before breakfast."

maybe she can see into my soul too...

joker the author

i find the best way to cope with sadness is to keep busy. so i have persuaded herself to knuckle down and finish my book. this is a book with selected highlights from my blog. if it is a success i will publish another one with other highlights.

i could not decide which posts to include in the book. some of them put me in a less than glamourous light. some of them make himself cringe. herself was no help either. but her ma'amship and the prof are visiting so her ma'amship was persuaded to select her favourite posts.

if you want to have a preview of my book, click on the little badge to the right. if you want a signed copy you will have to ask herself how to arrange it...

a bit of sad news

dear readers, this is a short post. it is just to let you know that all the peeps' efforts to find a home for my lady friend came to nothing. the kind man in devon changed his mind about having her. one of his lady dogs has just had a litter of puppies and he felt he couldn't take on a dog with such special needs. the peeps were in something of a state. clearly they could not keep a dog that has bitten members of the family 3 times but there was a real reluctance to give up on her.

however, last night herself got out of bed and my lady friend bit her badly on the foot. it bled a lot so hopefully it will not go mouldy like the hand did. and herself is still on anti-biotics for the hand anyway.

so the peeps will be taking my lady friend to the vet today to have her put to sleep. although i will miss her i will sleep much better knowing my peeps will be safe again.