Tuesday, September 11, 2007

hip-hip-hooray!


hello dear readers. i am a little flaky this evening. it all started when herself and i got home from running a few days ago. she has decided that she has got way too fat and unfit so every morning she has been out running. i enjoy a bit of a run myself so i have been accompanying her. this particular day my back leg hurt like billy-oh. i tried to keep this under wraps as i knew it would mean a trip to the evil vet but herself spotted me limping and off we went. the vet needed to take a picture by x-ray as he thought i had knackered my crucial ligament which would have been a bit of a nuisance so today i was booked in. i have to be knocked out to be x-rayed as i am a bit of a baby when the chips are down. i have also been given a manicure. talk about hitting a chap when he is down!

the good news is that the pain is arthritis in my hips rather than the crucial ligament. the bad news is that this is a sign of old age and will get worse. i have some huge pills to swallow. himself always wraps pills in stuff called bit-of-cheese so it isn't too bad.

the getting fit thing has led to some interesting outings. herself has been going to see a hypnotherapist. this is to help her feel less wretched and to tackle some of her less healthy habits. as she was going to see auntie bernie after the hypnotherapist i was taken along. i made myself comfy on the fluffy rug in the back of her car and gazed out of the window. a large fluffy cat gazed back. if it had been a person it would have been pulling a face at me. in fact it probably was, under all the fur. well, a chap has to keep up appearances and since i couldn't chase it i was reduced to barking. the cat just sat there, washing its behind. i barked some more. it carried on washing. i was beginning to think i had lost my touch when herself appeared.

"honestly joker, how is a person supposed to be hypnotised with all this racket going on?" she said. she took me out of the car, up some stairs and into the room where the hypnotherapist was sitting. my boy has told me all about hypnotism. it appears that you have a watch swung in front of your face and you go into a daze and then the hypnotist sends messages into your soul. this worried me. what if the hypnotherapist made me like cats? it was probably her cat i had barked at, after all. my street cred would be down the pan if it became known i had a friend who was a cat.

i decided to avoid her eyes. this strategy proved tricky. herself sat down in the chair and closed her eyes while the hypnotherapist counted down from ten. i wandered nonchalantly around the room. i felt my head getting heavy and my tail drooping but i resisted. i figured that if i kept moving i could avoid the lady stealing my soul. eventually it was over. the hypnotherapist took hold of my head and looked into my eyes.

"joker, sit" she said. i had no choice. you cannot resist a hypnotherapist. but as soon as she took her eye off me i hid behind her chair. luckily things were winding up. herself explained that normally i am quite a laid back sort of chap and that the pacing around was quite out of character. the hypnotherapist told herself about another dog, who, when faced with the possibility of subliminal messages about the benefits of cats, turns in circles and tries to dig holes in the floor. i am not the least bit surprised...

5 comments:

Tabba said...

i just love your stories, Joker.

they are a wonderful balm.

flutter said...

You need a little run for that bad hip, doncha love?

flutter said...

I meant...you need a little rub for that hip, doncha love?

deb said...

You always make me laugh Joker.

mcewen said...

Well really! What a nerve. What else did you expect? I'd love to know what you're being hypnotized for? I suspect it's a secret.
Best wishes